Wednesday, July 6, 2016

Un-edited Work by William


Hlogi’s Words 121
−≈−
Understanding
Relationships
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Today





2015 by
WILLIAM L. SEITSHIRO
Scripture quotations are taken from the Holy Bible, NIV, copyright 2007 by life publishers international, all rights reserved.
All rights reserved. No part of this book (Understanding relationships today) may be reproduced in any form without permission in
 writing from the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.
ISBN Assigned by National Library of South Africa.
Printed in South Africa.
ISBN-978-0-620-64182-1
Sponsored by Grace Abounds Ministry.
Published by William Seitshiro, email, blogging address and
postal address are written.
P.O Box 79282
Rethabile Post Office
Mamelodi East
Pretoria
0122


Hlogi’s Words 121
Understanding Relationships Today

General Editor

Associate Editor

Graphic Designer
Sifiso John Sithole










This is Dedicated to:
Kgomotso Ramasedi
I thank the Lord for the times we have shared and may the Lord continue to bless you for being a blessing.








ZEPHANIAH 3:17-19
The Lord your God is with you









To You:
May the Lord bless you for supporting my ministry and reading my books. This may be a very down to earth book and non-religious but I believe that many will learn a lot from this book.
May the Lord bless my family for supporting me and never looking down on me, my friends for helping me with my work.







Donald C. Stamps

"The greatest concern in our prayers and in our lives should be to bring honor to God.” (2007, 1279)








CONTENTS

Preface   12
Introduction   15
Relationships   31
Psychology of relationships   50
Hierarchy of Relationships   59
The head ‘man’   60
The neck ‘Woman’   62
Relationship problems   65
Generational change on hierarchy   80
Finance   82
Needs met?   87
Mr. or Mrs. /Miss Anonymous   90
Articles for women   103
Reference   149





PREFACE
Writing a book has become my addiction, it doesn’t matter what I write about but I do my best to finish and make something from it. Many might be wondering what type of writer am I.  Who am I writing for? What is the purpose of me writing? And my answer to many of those questions is I am a writer and I love writing. Many of my friends have failed to understand how I can open a word document and start typing without knowing what I am writing and searching further for more research but I have learned something about myself and about other people and life, that there is always something to write about. When I wrote a short story book I mostly wrote about my dreams (whether days dreams or when I am sleeping), when I wrote my religious book I wrote it out of desire to serve the Lord, but now I am writing about relationships.
I understand the question, what kind of writer am I, because in the writing world you find different writers like novelists and poets/poetic and there comes me who writes about everything. I have learned something about myself, I do not underestimate myself. I am a hard worker and I try by all means to try something new and do it with all my heart and might, no matter what the project is all about it might be women, relationship, religion, health, testimony, biography, novel or short story or maybe poetry. All that I have learned from life is to do my best with the gift that I have been given; therefore limiting myself with a title is not acceptable.
I wrote this book about relationships because I wanted to understand how relationships work; I wanted to understand what happens when this happens, and what happens when that happens. I wrote this book so that both men and women may be able to understand that relationships are for two people, and what they go through in their relationships is not certainly what everyone will go through, yet as people share their testimonies and as I share my though people may learn from it and grow rather than being ignorant and single all the days of their lives.
In this book I answer questions that you always had about him or about her; I also do have anonymous conversations that I had with ladies asking for advice. Every question considered stupid when answered it reveals truth, might be self-revelation or an illumination about a hidden sense of truth in that particular persons heart. People always consider questions stupid but when the question is answered psychologists consider it a break through because that person is starting to be free to share what has been hidden in her heart.












INTRODUCTION
As a writer, I have grown into this knowledge that relationships are very complex. Many other writers may hold the fact that relationships are a job description but from my stand point, they are another revelation of how beautiful life can be if you dedicate your life to living it with someone else. It is not a job because a job while working you can do something wrong and get fired, but it is an opportunity to explore a different life style from how you used to live to that best thing that another person can make of you.
A few days ago I was chatting with my girlfriend on Whatsapp and I told her about my current situation, she started encouraging me just so that I can learn how to be strong for both of us. Relationships are meant to build each other, and by building each other I actually mean in life. We build each other in our religious views, principals, and every aspect of our life’s where we feel we need help. At the moment where I needed my girlfriend that’s when she came in and motivated me. This is the purpose of this book, to remind people who we are and how relationships have transformed throughout the ages but we should remain true to ourselves and our partners about whom we are and where we are going.
Though this book will be expounding more and more about relationships and the changes that we have come across throughout the years, it will also be revealing the other important side of relationships which is love and sex. The reason why I chose to write about such sensitive issue was because I have realized that we are moving from the recognition of the importance of being in a relationship to a point of what we think we need. Love, Sex, Relationship is not about what men and women think about relation but it is about how relationships should be.
The ultimate purpose of this book is to show people the way. In our generation we have lost the truth, we are invaded by the western traditions that we have forsaken the rules and principals of why, how, and when we should do things. We need a guider, someone to show us the way and tell us the truth, which is this book.
My intention is to be as transparent as possible, in so saying, this is written for both male and female so that it may challenge both genders in knowing and exploring their partners more. Relationships are both good and bad, they have their ups and downs and my intentions are to let people know what to do. Many people have questions and no answers.
Reaching out to people is my calling and that is the reason why people listen. Being a young pastor i have come to realize that people need help whether in love, sex and relationships. There are many people both married and unmarried who have no idea what is wrong with their relationship, to be more precise they don’t know what they need to do.
Love, Sex, & Relationship
Whether we like it or not we need to face the face that relationships are for both a man and a woman. What that means is that relationships are about two people not three or four or ten. When a man approached a woman he was clear about what he wants from the woman and what he is willing to do in order to get what he wants. Two people cannot meat and say that they want to start a relationship and other person like the mother or father have a say in their relationship, Though that is one of the methodologies that other cultures use in order to make sure that the relationship will end up in marriage.
There are many other methodologies those other cultures like the western culture, which allows the couple to make their own decisions and grow with them because it is believed that they will then learn responsibility.
There is ladder that one has to climb because in order to be in a relationship. Psychologists may contend anyhow, yet I found this to be a truly working methodology that leads to a happy life, which is step, one Love, step two relationships, and step three sex. I was once asked a serious question by a Christian friend who was bothered by my three step rule, “William, why does sex come before marriage” and my answer was simple, it doesn’t because relationship means either dating or married it does not mean dating only because the people who are married are in a relationship. Even so, in our generation we have people who do not believe what we believe and they have sex no matter what and you cannot blame them.
Step one: Love
Love is the most important factor of all kinds of relationships. In our generation, we have developed a fear of not being loved therefore we just give ourselves without knowing what are the intentions of the other person with us. Self-esteem plays a vital role under this subtitle because without understanding who you are and where you stand with yourself people will always play around with and take you for advantage. Before we get in a relationship or before we plan to love someone we need to understand who we are, and how much we are worth to ourselves and family. Sometimes as people we sell ourselves cheap not thinking about ourselves and our families.
Love is defined as “an intense feeling of deep affection and fondness for a person or thing; great liking” (Tulloch, 906, 1993) and it is good to fall in love with someone it is never wrong but the problem with the 21st century love is that it comes with conditions and sometimes both woman and man fall for those conditions.
South Africa has portrayed this view of man taking advantage of women by saying that when one gets in a relationship they struggle because they have to make sure that men are more satisfied in sex but they never look at what woman do to man, many men are forced into marriage and commitment when they were not even ready. Both male and female have needs, a typical mans need might be sex but a man with a vision requires only marriage and children along with a good Job. What about a woman, a typical woman needs to get married even if it means her giving you all the sex that you want she tries to draw you into commitment because she wants to marry, a woman with a vision requires a man who is above her standards means if she earns R60 000 the future husband should earn R100 000 even more. Men have always been seen as hypocrites but as we have noticed both men and women have needs and they would do their best to get what they want.
It is imperative for us to chase after love than needs. If you do not love the person then why get in a relationship with them. Love plays a vital role in life because if you marry the person that you do not love then what about your children? What about your happiness? Do we actually believe what the old cultures used to believe about marrying now and love will come after? We listen to songs that say opposite attract like magnet and we think that’s how it is going to happen with us. Friends let me warn you, we are not like a magnet where opposites attract, but were human where opposites kill each other.
Step two: Relationship
The wonderful thing about relationships is that they have passed the love stage. I find it imperative thing for a couple to decide where to go from here, when they now know where they stand with each other. Love being an important factor of a couple, after understanding that they are in love and they want to grow even more with their love, they now take it to another level whereby they get in a serious relationship which Sara Tulloch contends “Relationship is an emotional association between two people” (1293, 1993).
An emotional association between two people can be in dating or marriage, relationships does not necessarily mean young two people dating, yet it means two people connected in emotions. Being in a relationship is a wonderful thing because that is where many get married or renew their vows.
Our issues today are that we think when we are dating that is the only time when we are supposed to have fun and fun is a relationship. We also think that when we are married and we do not have enough fun, we are safe because fun things like movies and small walks are for people in a relationship (young couple not married), which is a wrong thought. There is no spiritual definition of relationship because relationship is relationship. We should have fun and take walks like we used too, and go to movies like we used too because being married does not mean you should not have fun. We need to understand that when we stop and say were not in a relationship we mean to say we do not love each other anymore.
In South Africa, we have a lot to say about relationship because of our history. According to history when black people stood up and started fighting against apartheid some of the people fighting against apartheid were white. If it was not by a white president who came to his senses and took Nelson Mandela out of prison and allowed black people to vote where would we be? Standing together back in those days, white or black, rich and poor showed that we had a relationship and our relationship started because we have a common goal to stop apartheid. We have more to say about relationship than many other countries because we were relational in spite of color.
In a relationship, the most important thing that connects us is love. Since then we have that connection, let us then pursue a new path it may be dating or marriage. Relationship is a good thing but for mature people who were connected by a common goal which is love. I tell you the truth, if your relationship is connected by the power of love even though finances become an issue you will grow from it, whatever one will do he/she will do it for the other.
Step three: Sex
So many people have different views when it comes to sex and sometimes it is exciting to hear them. Many religions have a huge amount of laws against sex before marriage which is a good thing, some religions do not care. I have travelled around and met new friends who have different views and being a black writer it makes it fun for me to sit there and listen. I have learned that if a woman is not ready then the man should wait, but if a man is not ready he is either considered gay or he is busy with another girl outside.
It is fascinating how sex can be a huge thing in a relationship and people do not realize that sex is the main thing that is complicating their relationship. So many people are ready to jump into a women’s dress or pans but they do not know that eating that cookie will cause complications in their relationships. Whether we like it or not to a woman as soon as you have sex with her, you are no longer a boyfriend but a husband.
The world has taught us a different philosophy that I do not understand that sex is just sex. I used to think like that until I started having sex and I realized that sex is a commitment. People view sex as a get in and out thing but once you get in you can’t get out easily because either you or the lady would want more.
The reason why i placed sex as a last step is because sex is a commitment. Our South African generation is full of the ‘I know, I know’ attitude. Sex has become the leading problem in our country because many young people have children. Men do not learn many girls want marriage and they would do anything to get it even if it means giving you a baby you do not want. There is a reason why your religions say no sex because they know that you might have a kid or be forced to marriage. Sex is not just sex but sex is a connection which is meant for people who are committed.



















RELATIONSHIPS
I have found that the most important decision that one would ever make is to be in a relationship, because that suggests that the person has reached a maturity state. So many people have their own definitions but I believe that one will never understand what relationship is until they get in one. When we study modern relationships closely, we find that people define relationships according to what they face which may make the meaning of relationships subjective.
Many young people divorce and leave their lovers because they want to experience what others are experiencing in their relationship.
What are relationships?
I recall when I was working at a campsite we were hiking and I was the main facilitator. We took the campers around the campsite to play more activities. On that hot sunny day we had to go for a hike, when we go to the place where we were going we played activities and one of the campers twisted her ankle, and when it was time to climb up the mountain heading back to the campsite, she could not get up because she needed someone to help her with going up and getting to the campsite.
One guy tried helping her by carrying her but people were very tired to help. I then took her and carried her up the mountain until we arrived at the campsite kitchen. She was thankful and from there we became close. Same goes to relationship, many think it is a simple thing that only one person can handle without carrying about another person but if we look into it a relationship is about two people trying their best to make it in their love and making it in life.
The word relationship comes from the word relate and from there that’s where we see relation, relational and relationship. We cannot say that we are in a relationship if there is no connection in between two people. When I carried the lady while hiking until we arrived at the campsite I build some form of friendship, which lead to us keeping contact. This is the reason why people always speak about finding the one, being in love, intimacy and commitment. These revolve around relationship.
Finding the one
It always fascinates me how we always go around the world looking for the one, while we know that the one does not even exists. Many centuries have gone by and many lessons have been learned from seeing what people go through but we still preach and encourage the whole subject of finding the one.
Finding the one might be a subjective form of telling people that there is someone out there that is exactly what you are looking for, which makes sense because when you look closely to what people go through after they have found that specific person that they were looking for they wish that they should have not searched.
Objectively, there is nothing or no one called the one. Yes, we would love to think that there is someone that is meant to be our, who will be an exact representation of myself but there is nothing like that. Objectively life has taught us throughout many generations that when a boy thinks that he has grown up and he is ready to face the world and find a woman then that is when he becomes a man and finds someone suitable for him.
I used to know a friend who believed in the subjective side of relationships, which is finding the one who matches your list of characters of how you want your husband or wife to be, but after finding such a person he married her and was happy for a few years. After a few years of happy marriage he started thinking that he made a mistake, she is not what she wanted so he wants to get out of that relationship.
I am not implying that you will be unhappy if you find what you think is the one, but I am simply saying is that as people we have faults but we learn to grow, in so saying I have mentioned that relationships are about building each other. When one meets a woman he makes her the best woman she never dreamed she would ever become same goes to woman meeting a man. There is nothing such as the right person, but it is about building each other and becoming perfect for each other.
Love is a choice
I have learned from a friend that love is a choice, let’s face it somewhere somehow as guys we thought relationship is dating different people looking for the one you love and would love to spend you whole entire life with him/her. Ladies on the other hand always thought that a relationship is when you find that special person you love and want to hold on to for your whole entire life. Our common agreement is that a relationship involves another person, male or female one cannot have a relationship by themselves they need another person. It does not matter what we go through but if I am alone then I am not in a relationship.
I recall when we had a guy’s brai at Sam-Rand. We were busy talking about our current relationships and how they were going. One guy told us how his girlfriend is only left by putting a tracking device on him. He kept saying that his girlfriend keeps on calling asking where he is and how are things like she does not believe him. We might not know what he did to her in the past but one thing that caught my attention is when my other friend answered his Whatsapp massage that comes from that guys girlfriend telling her she should ask him why her boyfriend is no longer answering his phone.
Sometimes woman can be selfish, when they go out and a guy calls them they will fight claiming that the guys does not trust them. I find it so funny how things turn out in a relationship because if a man goes out the lady calls then the lady calls. Is that fair, well even man have their faults but love is a choice we choose to stay with the people we are with no matter the situation or their faults and downfalls but we choose every day to love, even though you are abused, we chose to love even though the guy does not even take care of you or there is no sex or she wants divorce we choose to love no matter what.
No person in the world ever said it will be easy, they also never said it going to be hard but the thing they always say even when you are getting married is that you will go for a long ride that is challenging but you will enjoy it no matter the situation.
I might have mentioned a few things but I want to make you understand.
I have been dating my girlfriend for 1 year and 10 months (basically 1 & a half), before I met her I always thought that relationships do not have to have love but a mutual understanding, why we are dating. Since I got saved I used to think that relationships are all about sex, partying and all maliciousness but I met a lady who started challenging me to grow and become a guy who knows what he want and know where he is going.
I have learned through her that 'love is a choice' I went out with a couple of friends of mine to Samrand where my best friend lives and we were talking about our experiences as gents, how much we are struggling and how controlling women are but I was sitting there and I had nothing to say because my girlfriend and I do not doubt each other.
A few days ago my sister in the Lord asked me what I think about love and I said 'love is a choice'. I said that because last year while I was away my girlfriend cheated on me with some guy who was bellow my class and status, she came clean and we decided to separate on December. For three months we separated, she saw me at church and I was getting counseling. That evening she started calling me. We spoke and I forgave her, after two months she tells me she had sex with that guy. Broken hearted as I were I forgave her because I choose to love her and forgive her.
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In all that mess, I made it clear that if she does one mistake, I am going to move on without any regrets
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Bongi & Collin contend "The only kind of love which God teaches us to Havre for each other is unconditional. Unconditional love is the only love which forgives, heals, builds, comforts, protects and teaches. We all may understand love differently based on our backgrounds and measure the love by what we get out of the marriage; however, love can never be measured. Unconditional love is the greatest gift That you Will ever give to your spouse. Everyone is capable of showing such a deep love to their spouse; it is possible through God and the purity of the heart. Oneness is anchored by unconditional love" (2013, 15)
In my diary this morning I want to encourage you to keep on loving, Bongi & Collin have foundationed their relationship on unconditional love, that does not mean they don't go through situations, what it means is that they will give their relationship a fighting chance.
Unconditional love heals, forgives, and builds. Never stop loving because love is a choice.
Commitment
Commitment is the key thing in a relationship, yet many people are afraid of it. I recall when I was working at a guest house and my girlfriend  always wanted to know how much I am getting paid and how are we going to get a house. She did not know but I was so terrified at the thought of moving in with her and I was busy debating if it was a good idea and if I am ready. I always loved this lady and I want to get married to her but I started making excuses like: maybe this relationship is surviving because of money, but that was not an excuse because she spoils me more.
Commitment is tough most especially for men. Women are easy loving so they think it is easy, as for men, we don’t use our emotions to come up with a conclusion but we think logically. Men and commitment are not friends, we will always make excuses but the day we stop making excuses and try to meet her half way then we will get where we want to get in a relationship. Women are right, when a man is not ready to commit then that man is not a man to waste time with.
 Intimacy
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What is a relationship without intimacy and romance?
Take a second to think about your relationship and what you have went through with that man or woman, do not think your better than him/her but think about the whole relationship.
NOW YOU CAN ANSWER!
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Remember when we were kids, we would play house. There would be the father and mother also kids, boyfriend and girlfriend, there wouldn't be any romantic kiss because you would be disgusted by it, a relationship without intimacy and romance is a total bore because there is nothing new to expect from your partner. A relationship without these two elements is just two people playing house.
INTIMACY:-
Bongi & Collin contend "Not only do people shy away from talking about sex, but also there are married couples who have never discussed their sex life with each other...No one is a sex expect, because sexual fulfillment varies from individual to individual, oversimplifying it, is what often leads to frustration and resentment." (2013, 45)
They continue...
"We believe that this is something a husband should have at the fore of his mind always; to bring happiness to the wife he has married. Finally, sexual intimacy is not about sexual intercourse, you can achieve sexual intimacy by learning to touch each other. Notice that we said 'touch each other.' Holding hands is not something husbands must do to their wives; it is something they must both do to and for each other" (Damans, 2013, 47)
Intimacy is not about sex, intimacy is about the small things that couples over look, it is all about that 5 min that we spend talking about nothing important but we enjoy it, it is about walking in public holding hands and making each other smile, it is about making sure that joy, peace and love reigns in the relationship. We need to go back to the times where money was never an issue but the only thing that we cared about is being together.
ROMANCE:-
Bongi & Collin contend "Romance is often lost in our busy routines and this is not good considering that this is one of the aspects of your marriage that you should be living out on a daily basis. Romance should not be something that only happens just once a year on Valentine's Day - it is a priority. Many of us are not naturally romantic but we have good news for you...YOU CAN ALWAYS LEARN! Romance is defined as a feeling of excitement and mystery associated with love. Where there is love between husband and wife, there should be romance. We tried our best to be romantic in the beginning of our marriage but when we had our kids, our attention was shifted to what we thought was more important. We started observing other seasoned couples and discovered that it is not the 'over-the-top things' that are romantic but the 'small though-out things' that will leave your spouse swept of their feet. While it is good to splash out on romance once in a while, sometimes the little you can do could be the best." (2013, 49)
Romance to young people has become the last things that are important in a relationship, we always assume if we buy things for our partners we think that is being romantic. We need to make time in this busy world to go out with our partners or give them massages, breakfast in bed etc.
As we were growing up we were talking about how we want to propose and how we want to treat our spouse's with romance and love but we do not do it because our focus has shifted. We need to wake up, shake up, and get romantic before we lose out on the best things in our relationship.
In my diary this morning I want to say, intimacy and romance complement each other and without both of them in your relationship then either you are going to lose your partner or your relationship will depend on sex.
We need intimacy and romance in our relationships to save them, because in this day and age divorce is a norm and broken relationships are a norm.
LET US BE A GENERATION OF CHANGE, A GENERATION THAT GOES ALL OUT FOR OUR RELATIONSHIPS.
Psychology of relationships
The circle of us (Openness with each other)
Bongi & Collin contend “Remember that marriage is possible only because the two of you saw enough in each other to agree to become one and this promise should never be betrayed.” (2013, 61)
Being open in a relationship is the toughest thing that one can ever do. As men we always make excuses so that women won't see that we cannot be open fully to them, we make excuses like 'I don't want to tell her because she will leave me, or it will hurt her'.
Relationships are tough for most people simply because when they think about being open to their spouses or the person they are dating at that time they feel like they won't be free to do what they want, they will feel trapped in their relationships.
I have dated many people in life and I tell you relationships are not tough, they are simple because the more open on is to their partner; the more they grow in understanding and knowing each other's strengths and weaknesses or likes and dislikes.
One guy I know once told me that when he got married he lived with his wife in a one room shack and it was the best time of his life because they knew each other more and besides the was nowhere to hide, when you wash your partner is in the same room, you love, laugh and live together.
As men and women, we need to be able to let go of our insecurities and our shame and fears and be open to our partners. Being open helps your partner to be open minded when it comes to certain stuff in your lives.
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How open is your partner?
Do you trust that he/she is honest in his/her openness?
Are you open?
Are you honest with your openness?
Take time to answer those questions because they will help you in your relationship.
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Bongi & Collin say "Oneness requires that the are no barriers between the two of you. It requires that you grow to a level where you can be spiritually, emotional and physically naked with each other without fear of judgment or rejection. In order for you to be vulnerable with your partner, you would need to know that it is saga to do so and it will be safe to do so when there are no negative repercussions such as rejection or judgment"(2013, 60)
They continue
"Let him or her know your fears and your weaknesses, he or she should and will protect you when and if they know." (Damans, 2013, 60)
In my diary this morning I want to urge you, be open to your partner because it is through openness that you become one, and it is in that stage that you're love for each other will grow, and mature.
Relationships are not meant to make you feel like your partner knows too much about you, or make tour feel uncomfortable but they are meant to challenge you to grow, spiritually, emotionally, and physically.
BE OPEN, AND LIVE OPENLY.
Going through things together (Honest and transparency)
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Bongi & Collin wrote "Honesty and transparency, build a strong and healthy marriage. These are very important to remember all the time. No marriage can survive without these." (2013, 69)
Honesty and transparency are key things in a relationship. We have to be honest and transparent.
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When we are honest and transparent our partners will find it easy for them to be open also. They would find it easy to tell you about their faults and temptations, they would be able to tell you about anything. It is through that anything they tell you that you trust them and build your relationship on principles of honesty and transparency because not only has it become something you would love to do but it has become your lifestyle.
Without honesty and transparency then we fail in our relationship because that would suggest that we are hiding things, most possibly seeing someone else. In this day and time we need to love our spouse's, respect them enough to be honest to them and transparent to a point that they knows everything about us, that's what relationship is all about. We have to grow out of cheating or hurting our spouse's because we are one with them.
This generation is a generation of technology; we have laptops, emails, cell phones, social media and many more things. There are many things that one can do with their phones, you can also cheat on your phone, watch porn on your phone and do all malicious things. We need to be honest and transparent.
"Nothing hurts more than being betrayed by your other half. Finding out there are things they have been hiding from you could be so devastating and the wounds may take forever to heal. Most times when you speak of honesty and transparency, people only think of identity. Any form of deceits and is devastating even when it does not involve sexual intercourse." (Damans, 2013, 69)
They continue...
"Honesty must not be exercised harmfully. People sometimes adopt a 'brutal truth' approach, forgetting that the intention is to build and not destroy." (Damans, 2013, 70)
In my diary this morning I want to encourage you, being honest helps the relationship because honesty is a principle that a couple should follow, and being transparent helps your partner to know you more, you strengths and weaknesses.
My encouragement is as follows, do not be a room that is locked down, instead be open to your partner. Let honesty and transparency reign in your relationship.






Hierarchy of Relationships
Without hierarchy many things cannot be taken serious, we need a structure in order for us to understand who is who and who falls under whom. In South Africa structure or hierarchy is imperative. As many countries may know, we have 11 official languages and under those traditions there are tribes an in every tribe a women follows the man. Over the generations many things have changed, the hierarchy of relationships even man depend on women nowadays.
The head ‘man’
The man has always been the head. When we look into history, women  had no say at all as a matter of fact in history most religions would allow men to say that they thank God they are not women. Other religions would hold the theology that suggests that if a man would be found sleeping with another woman while married nothing will happen to him but if the woman he is sleeping with is married she would be stoned to death. Throughout history women were treated like animals, therefore they were forced to be followers not leaders.
I find that in our generation it is not necessary for women to be treated like that, yet I still contend that women are emotional therefore cannot lead. When a women is a CEO in a company and when she goes back home she becomes a CEO to the family. I was reading an article of a CEO lady who testified to that and she said she can’t help it because she is liminal and when she adopted to her leading at work then she started imposing things to her husband until the man left and she saw that she was wrong. Women are not fit to run a relationship, which is why men should.
Visionary of the Relationship
Men are the visionaries of the relationship, they are the ones that know if they want to marry or just continue playing around. Not to say that women do not have the same thing in their lives that dictates whether they are ready to marry or not. Yet when a lady plays around there are guy they love and get disappointed along the way, but when the man decides that I want to marry her, then her life changes.
Guides
Men guide, yes. They come up with a vision and they make it clear as to what they expect from the family and every member individually. Yet the person important is the vision carrier, which is the woman. These two people are important and need each other.
The neck ‘Woman’
Though women are defined as followers they play a vital role in a relationship. Sometimes we look down on women but if we look closely we will find that the saying ‘behind every successful man there is a woman’ is true. Whether we like it or not women are power in our generation, they are either successful or make men successful.
Vision carrier
In business class we spoke about the difference between a leader and a manager. I said: a leader is the one that has the vision whether for the business or the activity at hand, and the manager is the vision carrier who makes sure that the vision will be seen visible by the clients. A woman is a follower in a relationship, meaning that she manages the relationships; she makes sure that everything is ok and everything is still going smooth.
As bias as it sounds, managing role has more responsibilities than being the CEO of the relationship. She is a vision carrier and when she manages, she rebukes, she suggests new things for growth, etc. a lady plays a vital role because without her being in that position and playing her role then the man fails in most things in his life.









Relationship problems
Sex
Sex is very weird and expensive. People think that sex is cheap and you can get it anywhere. Here is the reality of things, there wiol never be a beter sex than what your woman or man gives because it is full of love, yet it can be expensive beacuse of the children that will come out.
Love, respect then sex
I read a book a while ago and this man contends that as people we love to shy away from subjects that have sex in them. I am a young pastor and in my walk with Christ i met this family that treats me like one of their own family members.
Since i have met this family, i started seeing and understanding that Christians always avoid the topic of sex. Might be sex in marriage/any type of relationships because they are afraid that young people would go and try to experience what they are talking about.
I believe that the church should exhaust the topic of sex because people should understand that sex is only good when we do it in the boundaries of marriage. I have grown to understand that if we do not teach people that are married that Love and Respect in a relationship is more important than sex, then people will understand that sex is just another blessing from God because sex was never meant to be the key thing in a relationship but it was meant to be the cherry on top.
We need to be a generation of no, Most especially women/ladies. In this generation it is easy for a guy to come in the picture sleep with a woman and after leave them like nothing ever happened. If only this generation life is simpler, you get a woman and get what you want and leave them, yet in the past you were forced to marry for you to get what you want. We are overwhelmed by a community of poverty because people are having sex and leaving women with children.
WHAT HAPPENED TO A NO SEX GENERATION UNTIL MARRIAGE?
In this day and age, people are divorcing because of lack of love and respect; they even got married because they had a child. We need to be a generation of change; we need to change the view that we are a generation of many children and no love and respect in the relationship to being a generation of a better future that is overwhelmed with love and respect.
Sex Complicates
There are three things that are important that people should understand most especially women. (As I said in the beginning, this book will have sides but it will be for both gents and ladies):-
1.           Hide the biscuit get marriage
This morning I have to say, it is great to be a man in this day and age. I have grown to understand that in spite of what men go through to get married and love their spouse's, or even though their spouses are the ones who did wrong, we are still the ones to be hated.
From a young age we were taught by our parents to be real men who don't hurt women but there are women who still consider men wrong. Love has no value when the man is the only one loving and the wife is giving up but it has value when the woman loves and the man is not.
Yes I agree there are bad men out there but not all men are bad. I have heard many saying regarding men:-
Men are dogs, Men are pigs, Men only care about themselves, and Men only want sex. "For man, it's less complicated: he liked what he saw from across the room and now he's going to go over there and get it. He doesn't care anything about your personality or what you do for a living; your friends mean nothing to him, and whether you know Jesus is irrelevant.  He just wants to know if he might be able to sleep with you, and he's talking to you to determine exactly how much he has to invest to get what he wants. When I say, 'invest', I'm not talking solely about monetary values; I'm talking about your values-your requirements.  He's trying to see if your 'price' is too high, if it's affordable, if he can get it on credit, whether he can get it tonight. If you don't lay out any requirements, then you're free-game on. He knows he can get you to bed with a minimal effort."  -Steve Harvey
Let me talk about bad men:-
Men are typical; I have realized that sex is the most important thing that we need fro. Women, if we cannot get it then we do not waste our time, we move on to the other lady. Is it wrong? Other might say no but others might say yes. I find the answer to that question irrelevant simply because what determines a real good man is how he treats women. When he open a door, when he cares about her wellbeing and white she is.
Women the moment the guy starts focusing on how you look than who you are, you should run! Or rather if a man walks to you and says I noticed you while sitting with my friends, run! Because they either made a bet or he wants to play with you. Men of this day and age do not care about love, future, kids and family. They only care about the cookie jar.
You need to be strong and wise enough to flee from such people. Sex should not be the reason why you are in a relationship with someone.  Sex should be a cherry on top. Sex should be practiced in marriage so that you may love only each other and share that gift together. Hide the cookie and get marriage.
2.           Give the biscuit when he gives you his name
I have always hated these rules that people make regarding women's sexuality, how they should protect themselves from bad men. Now I know, I know that it makes sense to protect you as a woman. In this day and age good men are hard to find most especially in church, corporate world and among friends.
I have been reading a book by Steve Harvey 'act like a lady and think like a man' out of that I have learned that all men are bad with no doubt the presented his case and now he speaks about women closing the cookie. He speaks about three ninety day rule. And I admire that but I still contend that women should hide their cookies until marriage, once you open up to a guy and give him the cookie then he might not marry you.
We need to understand that relationships in this day and age are complicated, and if you give what is supposed to be hide then you stand a chance of not getting what you always wanted. In this day and age we (man and woman) always focus on making others happy than making themselves happy.
"Of course, you've got to use your ninety days wisely; a probationary period means nothing if you're not putting this guy through the paces. During that ninety-day period, you should be checking him out-does he come when he says he's going to come; does he call when he's going to be late; does he like and care about your friends and, if you have them, your children; does he express his joy at being in your presence? Most important, is this really a man with whom you can see yourself in a committed relationship? Or do you see signs that make you God-given intuition kick in?"
He continues...
"Give it abreast ninety days, and you can smoke all of that out of him, so that you can be sure that this guy is the right man for you. After all, it's your right to want what you want-and to actually get it." - Steve Harvey
It is hard to find a decent man or woman in this century simply because we try to make people happy by giving out the cookie than receiving the ring. By decent I actually mean innocent, virgin, and who loves you for you. We cannot live lives like that, both men and women need to take the stand and protect themselves.
3.           Men and women have needs
Man's needs are easy to be met, yet I encourage people always to find themselves in their husbands or boyfriends dream. In most cases women support, love and have sex with their spouse's because they are willing but some do it because they have found themselves in spouse's dreams and visions.
What a man need every women can supply it. I have met different men who always say the same thing women are the same and I always disagree, yet again I met ladies who thought men are the same, which I also disagreed.  Many people always assume that people are the same and they do not realize that when you assume that people are the same you are implying that their needs are the same.
Let's look into this. Women want a guy who can go with them to buy grocery but other women are too busy in the corporate world to get a man walk with them to buy grocery, instead they need a woman who can give them good sex. Others do not want sex and to go to grocery store they only want intimacy, no matter how long the husband or boyfriend stayed at work and how stressed it was at work she want to cuddle and kiss. Every woman needs a different thing in this day and age.
What about a man, though at some point I concur with Steve Harvey but depending on the career that a man is busy with it plays around their need sector.  Some might just need help in their career while other only need the wife to understand, some only need sex while other need their wives wherever they are and others need space.
Needs and wants in this day and age are very imperative because those needs and wants determine where the relationship is going or what priorities of the person are.
Steve Harvey contends "It really doesn't take much to make us happy. In fact, there are only three things that pretty much every man needs-support, love, and 'the cookie.' Three things-that's it. And I'm here to tell you that yes, it's that simple. What we need never weakness or waves-hardly ever gets more demanding or harder to achieve. In fact, I'd argue that it's easy for a woman to give her man support, love and sex because it's in her makeup-support and love are things that women dole out innately and freely. You just call it something else: nurturing. And if you love a man enough to nurture him, then I'd argue you love him enough to be intimate with him. So those three things come natural to you. And this is all your man wants from you."
In all that we go through in life, I have found that most men are still typical; the only thing they need is sex. No other thing. I build my life to encourage women not to entertain men who only care about how they dress and how they look but they should invest their time on people who love them in heart and in there most inner place which love and glowing positive character inside.
Steve Harvey makes it clear that in this day and age it is easy to actually please a man than it is a woman. The most powerful tool that a lady should know that a man needs these three things or he would feel like the lady is not making any effort to make the man happy, beside as men we go through a lot to make sure that women are happy and feel well taking care of, in the same way why can't women do the same thing.
It is imperative to have equal rights in the relationship and also for all the needs for a man and woman met within the relationship because that will make it easy for your relationship to grow.
Generational change on hierarchy
Are men and women different?
What is the difference between a man and a woman, is the genital sex, is it the deep voice. From my side there is no difference, men are just insecure to a point that they need power so that they can be heard, get what they want and most of all be on top of the relationships.
Woman on top
I for one am so contemporary to a point that I’ve come to realize that there is nothing wrong with women being on top and running a relationship. Ops! Nope not this time, we as men make many mistakes and when we realize that we made a mistake we want to super impose laws in a relationship so that the lady won’t go get another man.
-Why can’t men follow women?
A real man can follow the woman, to a certain point of course. Like the ladies there will be a time when the guy has to put his foot down and draw a line, yet there is nothing wrong with a man following a woman.
-Lobola determines Hierarchy of Relationships
Tradition most especially in South Africa suggests that when I paid Lobola then I am the head therefore a woman cannot tell me anything I am the head. Well, can I just say that’s a whole bunch of rubbish, men want to be the head because they are insecure and they want power but if a couple agrees that the woman will run the show then there is no problem. Tradition should not call the shots in someone’s relationship.
Finance
Money adds value to relationships
When we start thinking that money is not important then we start losing the truth behind the philosophy of money. Some people think that money is not important but truth be told money plays a much vital role to an extend that it can add value to your relationship.
When a man takes out his lady, whether to movies or hotels and restaurants or maybe even marry her, then the lady would feel like there is no one who can be matched to her man. Relationships are predictable, and they are the same whether Christian, Muslim, businessman or woman and etc. relationships are the same and there is nothing you can do to change that.
Have you ever heard that saying, ‘if you feed a man then you win him over, and if you buy her roses you make her happier’. You can buy her the same roses almost every day and she will be happy and give the most blessed sex ever, but if you don’t and all you want is sex then you are in danger even if you promised her that you will marry her.
Money runs your love
Money spices up your relationship with your partner, it makes your partner fell special, and she would feel like she was the only one in the world.
·            Taking her to movies,
·            Taking her to restaurants,
·            Taking her to guest houses or hotels,
·            Going out on hikes and traveling from city to city,
·            Marrying her,
·            Buying her flowers.
Theses thing are small things that should not worry us but they worry the lady because if she does not experience them she feels unloved. It is hard for a man in these days, your girlfriend or wife might say ‘baby I love you even when you are broke’ she’s actually saying go out and find a job. It is imperative for the gents in our days to make something of them, or else when you marry you will find another messed up lady who slept with half of South Africa.
-To the gents
In our generation we have a lot of things happening, we also have celebrities that are doing things out there and people want to be like them. I find it very amusing that relationships is also being ruled by finances, I find it also interesting that if one does not have money than his relationship is in danger. There are people out there that have the money that money and if you find it hard to acquire it you may lose your relationship.
Yes! I agree that there are some ladies out there that are truthful to their spouses but I contend that there are others who are not. At some point of your life you met that lady who dated you because what you are wearing or what you are driving. The most problem with men is that they are insecure; when they do not have money they start feeling like they are not men enough.
-To the ladies
The ladies do not have that much pressure when it comes to finances whether they are well-of or what, they do not have much pressure when it comes to finances because they are women. Women are considered beautiful and marriage worthy when they are broke and they are still considered beautiful when they are rich. We watch celebrities and we all want to be like them and run relationships like them but the problem is one we do not have.
Money runs your love in a sense that if you can’t take the lady out then she feels as if you do not love her. Love is important in a relationship, but I also think that acquiring money in your career so that you can support you girl is important.
Needs met?
When we talk about needs being met were not only talking about financial or sexual needs but were talking about ‘time needs’. What money cannot buy time can buy.
Time
What men do not realize over time is that time is important. When we are still dating and playing around we make sure that we give them the time we think they deserve, we make sure that we take walks with them, we take them out every time, yet when we marry we forget about the importance of giving them our time.
The gift of time
Time when you are married becomes like a gift in Christmas for a child, if we give these women time they then make time for us so that all needs may be catered for. The beauty of relationships is when you get to do what you used to do when you were just playing around, and that is what she is asking for every time when you fight for grocery, school fees and etc. she’s asking for you to give her your time.
Be there when needed
We need to be there when needed, we need to be there when were not needed, all we have to do is to just be there. Guys may think I am elevating women than men but think about it, when you give her what she needs you will get anything that you need as the saying goes ‘when the mommy is happy then the house is happy.






















Mr. or Mrs. /Miss Anonymous
Anonymous number 1
At the point of selfishness with anonymous
Miss Anonymous: Listen I have nowhere to go these holidays.
Hlogi (William): What happened to your house with your family?
Miss Anonymous: My Parents disowned me.
Hlogi (William): What happened, what did you do for them to use such hurtful words?
Miss Anonymous: I'm with this guy I met last year and planning on marrying him.
Hlogi (William): Oh gosh...uhm ok. Listen go home, make peace with your family then think about marriage. Deciding to marry with that kind of family issue is not a good idea.
1. Go home and love on your family.
2. Give them Time to digest that you want to marry.
3. Give them Time to digest that you are with a black guy.
4. Collect your thoughts and don’t sell yourself cheap because if you follow him, without your families blessing then you are not going to get far. Because there will be no family support.
5. Go back to them and say mom, dad, I love him and I am not leaving to marry him unless you bless us.
6. If they say no, give them a little more time.  And treat them like nothing happened until the right time comes. Please I know you’re in love with him; if he loves you he will support you.
Please take my advice for it is better for you not to marry than to marry without your family. Give your family time to think about you dating, and you dating him. All ladies out there please do not sell yourself short to any guy and lose out on your family. Most marriages happen outside family blessings and they are not successful. 
I want you ladies to grow, not to hate men but love them with boundaries. Sometimes you feel it as a woman that this guy only wants sex. So leave him. Many ladies get married young because their boyfriends can’t hold themselves; they want to have sex and do that and that. Why should women give into what a man wants? Most people are pregnant today because they are selling themselves short to men. Ladies let men chase after you, not you chase after them.
Ladies as soon as you close your legs and say no, as soon as you go back to your family and love them and respect them, love your friends and be selfish towards men then you are mature and marriage will knock at the door.
BUT FOR NOW, GO HOME MAKE PEACE WITH FAMILY AND FRIENDS. LIVE WITH THEM, LOVE AND RESPECT THEM, BE SELFISH WHEN HE ASKES FOR SEX MAKE SURE HE UNDERSTANDS THAT EVEN IF HE LEAVES ITS FINE BECAUSE THE RIGHT MAN WILL COME TO MARRY YOU.THEN MARRIAGE WILL COME.
I want to encourage you, DO NOT SELL YOURSELF SHORT.
AT THE POINT OF YOUR SELFISHNESS MARRIAGE WILL COME!
Anonymous 2
Don't be his trophy but his wife in marriage not in words
Miss Anonymous: Hi Hlogi (William), I don’t know if you help out all people but I sent you an inbox because I want to know if he will marry me.
Hlogi (William): I am not a psychologist or a sexologist but I am a pastor and writer.
Miss Anonymous: I know but I saw you post where you helped out the lady who wanted to Mary a guy she met the year before their engagement, I thought that you can help me.
Hlogi (William): ok tell me what’s up!
Miss Anonymous: I have been dating a guy called themba at my church, we have been seeing each other for two years now and I love him. We always have sex and sometimes I feel like that’s all that he wants I feel like he is using me. I really think that we are going to get married because he promised me, but it seems like we only have sex when we meet. I want to know, is he going to marry me?
Hlogi (William): When do you see him?
Anonymous: Weekends.
Hlogi (William): Does he tell you that he needs you and he would love to hold and touch you when he calls?
Anonymous: Yes, most especially when we haven’t seen each other for a week.
Hlogi (William): eish, you have become like a trophy wife, a trophy wife is a married woman who is beautiful and is only good enough to be shown to friends, business colleagues and acquaintances. You have becomes a distributor of goods, you becoming a trophy wife would be a very high position for you because when he sees you he sees sex. You have opened up to him too much because now your chances of him marrying you are very slim because you already gave him what he needs to cope through life. You may find that he has someone else whom says no to him and he loves her and wants to marry her.
Anonymous: what should I do, I love him but I can’t be with him if he sees sex when he looks at me.
Hlogi (William): Oh man, I am so happy you said you can’t be with him if he sees you as a sex object; I am excited that you are willing to take that step of faith and say you would leave him. I have noticed that the reason why people do not marry is because they live lives that married people live.  They sleep together; the lady washes his clothes and gives him a massage. They live like Hollywood's finest couple but they are not really married.
Women In this day and age no matter how old they are, they are cheap. If I want a one night stand and have fun without strings attached some lady is there, if I want a sex buddy I will find them. Woman are cheap, but what would happen if a lady who loves a guy and decides to say No!, no I won't be your sex buddy, no I won't give you my body because only my husband deserves it.
Lady anonymous and women around the globe do not be cheap like cheap girls out there because if you want to be married then you have to says baby I love you but marry me first because as much as I want to have sex with you I won’t because I am a woman who wants to be someone in the future not some cheap girl who people use as a bed to sleep on leave when the bed gets old. If anyone is treated like the anonymous lady then I encourage you tell him no more sex, no more him getting his way with you.
If he gets angry or does not want to understand or if he beats you, then you know he only wants sex.
Leave him, yes you love him and his probably going to call and your life might be miserable for the next month or two but as time goes on some guy will approach you and hell marry you.
I encourage you ladies...DO NOT BE HIS TROPHY OR HIS BED, BUT BE HIS WIFE IN MARRIAGE NOT IN WORDS.
Anonymous 3
SELFISH DECISION
I always say that making a selfish decision is not the worst thing that can ever happen. Sometimes making selfish decisions does not necessarily mean that you should divorce or let go of your man or woman, but making a selfish decision goes beyond that idea of quitting because you are tired of all the rubbish he or she took you through. Making a selfish decision is also about finding your ex and forgiving him or her for hurting you and letting go of all the pain you had. Making a selfish decision is not a bad idea, but it is an idea that works.
A lady friend of mine sent me a massage and told me that she made a selfish decision also. She spoke to her ex who hurt her badly. She couldn't let go of the pain. Years later she decided to talk to him about what he did to her not to condemn but to set herself free, she wrote about finding a revelation on forgiveness and decided to practice it.
Lady Anonymous:
Yesterday I got a splendid revelation regarding forgiveness. So I have set myself free of past hurts and wrongs.
Why? Firstly cause your living an amazing life in total oblivion to the past. I want that for myself. I don't want to ruin my relationships because of what u did.
Secondly, it isn’t good for my relationship neNkosi. No. . . . I do not want to be your best friend, I am simply freeing myself because it’s not worth it. Have a splendid life and goodbye.
Guy Anonymous:
I'm sorry please forgive me please I am aware I was wrong but can u pardon my wrong because now I have grown and I forgot about what I did.
Then I thought I was doing what every guy was doing. Can’t we meet.
Lady Anonymous:
It's cool mfwethu, really it is.
Guy Anonymous:
Can’t we meet somewhere for drinks and have a chat?
Lady Anonymous:
Oh and i am deleting u ne. Not cause I "hate" u or anything but we aren't friends.
Guy Anonymous:
Oh ok its cool. I hope all will go right with you.
Selfish decisions are not bad and they do work. Letting go is not a bad idea but it helps a person to live a life free from hurt, pain, worry, anxiety and etc. because all the time she tried living her life she would think about what the other guy did.
Friends I encourage you, let go (make a selfish decision) and live your life. The only way you can love a peaceful life is through making that decision regarding relationships and not settling for less than what you want.




ARTICLES FOR WOMEN
She was excited when she finally got the love of her life to date her. Well, you can say they were best friends before, maybe that is the reason why she was losing hope. The only thing they did best as friends was to stand at the gate and talk until it was dark. The love they had as friends was bigger than any couple would have, even though they have dated for long. But finally she had received what she wanted for over 3 years, yes! She was not noticed then but now she is the center of attention.  For all her life she was in love with romance, because all she ever knew was love and romance. Being a 34 year old virgin she never experienced love and romance. When the time came she could not hold back to show how happy she was to be in a relationship with her best friend.
Having dated her best friend for over 5 years and having had the sex that she was saving for her ideal man now everything becomes dry. The sex is not spicing up the relationship anymore, she feels like she is losing the love of her life. Love is there but the relationship is not centered around romance anymore. Though she is engaged, still she needs something more from her best friend. Confused as she was she tried to search online for help but no one had any reasonable answer to her problem. All she needs at this moment is to re-construct her relationship, but she has no proper foundation.
RE-CONSTRUCTING YOURE RELATIONSHIP
Many ladies have the same situation; they always fail to get answers as to how to move on or how to survive the current situation. Marriages or people committed relationships go through this phase and not every couple can survive this situation. I once wrote that 'the power to survive pain is through connecting with others people’; in the same sense the power to surviving boring or breaking relationships is through other couples not counselors. Re-constructing your relationship revolves around faith, hope and love for your partner. Love is greatest thing that is required in a relationship because without love there is no point to even try to fix your relationship. There are basic three questions that you should ask yourself or your partner in order to know what you are fighting again and what you are fighting for, by doing this excessive practically then you will stand a chance to understand what is happening with your marriage or committed relationship. The question that you need to know is as follow: who is the problem? What is the problem? How to solve the situation?
It is imperative for you to start working on those questions because you have to understand that you may find that you are the person who is causing the down fall of the relationship. Even so, you have to understand that if you are the problem then you have to stop fantasizing about romance and true love and start re-constructing yourself that your marriage or relationship may be re-constructed. Most relationships end because people think that the second party is not helping to make the relationship more exciting only to find that they are the problem. It is normal to re-evaluate yourself and change yourself before you try to judge your partner. Remember that when you don’t recognize your wrong as you recognize your right then the will be no growth. The 34 year old might have been right, but she also might have been wrong. She only wants romance and love, the question is does she appreciates the small things that her future husband is doing for her? you may find that her future husband is going out of his way to please her but the lady does nothing in return to show appreciation, and no ladies i am not talking about sex.
WHO IS THE PROBLEM?
In Most cases you will find that the person complaining is the person who has the problem. if one feel like there is nothing good or satisfactory that they are getting from this marriage or relationship, most possibly the person either is tired of being in that marriage or relationship. You need to re-evaluate yourself. Being married or in a relationship means that it is no longer about me but us. As people we forget that. like the 34 year old lady who dreamed about getting married to her best friend and not forgetting wanted romance and love, she was caught up in a dream land of being spoiled to an extend that it became about her not her and the partner.
Speaking from a man’s point of view, it is exciting to always be the one giving 100% romance and 100% love without getting anything back from our partners. in most cases a man will give up because he work  8 hours and have to work on his relationship when he gets home because all that the lady wants is to be loved, romanced and spoiled. Yet in the same manner sometimes men take advantage of a strong woman who can live without being romanced or loved and spoiled. Sometimes men marry or date a lady who would settle to get romanced and spoiled once in a month but they take advantage. It is imperative to re-evaluate yourself, after re-evaluating yourself then you can ask who is the problem? Remember that you have to have faith, hope and love both for you marriage or relationship and you’re partner.
WHAT IS THE PROBLEM?
The problem is cause of what we go through. Sometimes we ignore the problem and we hope that we it will go away. Who we are is determined by how we tackle situations; if we leave situations un attended and hope that they will resolve themselves them we are in the wrong path. Finding out what the problem is may help your marriage or relationship. like i said in the begging, sometimes the person complaining is the person who is the problem, therefore if you are the problem don’t think that you can deal with it by yourself, tell your partner about it and explain how you feel and why you feel like that because if you think you can deal with it, then ten years down the line you will go through it again.
If then you are not the problem, this is the time when you should tell your partner that you have recognized that he has developed a bad habit. remember sometimes we over look what our partners do, and the more we do that is the more we find ourselves tolerating what they do wrong and we tell ourselves that they will grow from that. Finding what the problem is leads to acceptance that there is a problem and when he accepts them you help each other grow in love and romance.
HOW TO SOLVE THE PROBLEM?
Problem solving might sound easy but it is not. I have come across many ladies who want to leave their partners because they think that will solve their problems. Some think they should just keep quiet and keep taking in what their partners are doing to them. people love the escapism thoughts, we like meditating on thoughts that make us believe that trying to live or survive in the problem is the way to solve the situation, some think that they should quit and find another person who will love them but that is not the way to solve situations.
The problem with people in spite of who is cause of the problem and what is the problem we think we can easy survive it by running from it. i have a philosophy in life and it is simple, find the cause of the problem, study the problem and solve the problem. We cannot live lives that depress us because we are afraid to solve our situations. We have to learn how to solve our situations. as soon as we get up and try by all means to defeat the worldly mentality that teaches us to divorce or leave our relationships because our partners do not want to change. The escapism philosophy is absurd because at the end of the day people end up saying 'if only i haven’t dumped him'.

These three steps are not the greatest way to solve the problem like psychologists would suggest, but they are a step. The whole article revolves around faith, hope and love for your marriage or relationship because if you lack one of those, then there is no reason for you to keep trying. Love is a very important element in a relationship without it all will go wrong, along with faith and hope with such as these in a relationship then there is no point for one to keep fighting for the relationship.


3 Steps to break the silence (Predictable man)
All relationships are unique and they are very important in their special way. For some people the most important part of a relationship is the beginning. Gents always try by all means to make sure that the first moment they meet or the first date with a lady should be the most special one, most especially for the ladies. It is believed that a lady can tell by the first moment a man looks at her how the relationship will be, if she will be spoiled or treated like a lady. For gents rather, they try to make sure that there will be no other guy who will do it like he does. Ladies, speaking from a guy’s point of view, it is imperative for a guy to do it in a unique way for if he fails that means anyone can snatch you from him and he can’t afford that.
It is easy for a relationship to start with a bang, it is easy for a relationship to start with a date that is most memorable that no lady will ever forget what that man did for her or how he looked at her the first time they met. The most difficult part of a relationship is simply sustaining the relationship, keeping the relationship on the bang state until the end. The negative breaking point of a relationship is when the relationship declines from a bang state of love to the normal silent relationships. A silent relationship is a normal kind of a relationship that is predictable state if the relationship, having sex the same way with the same moves, sharing he thoughts every day, doing the same thing every day. In a simple way, a silent relationship is dead relationship, a relationship whereby the lady is trapped and cannot breath.
The following 3 Steps will help you to ‘Break the Silence’ of your relationship with the Predictable kind of man that you are dating or married too.
1.           TAKE A SWIM ON A COLD DAY
Relationships are meant to be satisfactory to both parties. Taking a swim on a cold day does not actually mean taking a swim, but simply doing something unpredictable. The unpredictable can break the silence better yet it can ignite the light of the relationship.
·            Getting on top
Most man are predictable, they want to do the same things every day the same way. As a lady you should learn how to take things in control, be the one that call the shots for once. Once you get a hold of calling the shots your man will be challenged to come up with something new, simply because men hate it when a lady is calling the shots. The important role of this stage is being sure of what you want, if you want good sex then challenge him with sex, if you want romance them when he comes home let him fin you waiting wearing a sexy dress playing sexy music, CHALLENGE YOU’RE MAN SO THAT HE CAN CHALLENGE YOU.
·            Creativity in the top
Change is a state of mind but creativity is an art practiced and appreciated. You have to be creative in all that you do in your relationship. The way you perceive sex and how it should be done should change, the way you define and see romance should change, be creative. Coming up with new moves and exceed you’re expectation is the way to go. It does not help what so ever if you are predictable and he is predictable, but if you challenge the man it will enhance the relationships. Ad he will want more of you and less of others.
·            Take a drive out
The whole point this is to go an extra mile. This saying simply means do what you can, however you can to do the best that you can do. I agree! It can be very exhausting trying to make that predictable man appreciate you and make you happy same as making him happy. The courage to try to make things work is all that counts, many times women look down on themselves because their men do not want to spoil them and have sex with them but as a lady focus on going an extra mile and do things different.

2.                       Change the moves
Sex is the most imperative thing in a relationship the more it dies out, the more you lose out on the fun part of the relationship. As I said, men can be predictable, they sometimes like it when they are on top, controlling and calling the shots, yet one thing they are unaware of is that the same move is boring to some extent. Man only care about being inside of a woman and they pay less attention to making her reach her orgasm. As a lady on the move you should propel yourself to try to invent new moves or try out some new moves for your man so that he may be able to harness the gift you are giving him.
Changing the moves and making mistakes is not a bad thing. Ladies sometimes lose faith as they try to take control and yet they make mistakes. Ladies, if you fall with your man of the bad while in action do not feel like it blew up every new move that you made, keep going even on the floor. Remember your intention is to give him the best that no one can give. Keep on changing the moves, and keep on moving.

3.           MAKE TIME FOR Romance
Romance is not supposed to be like a product offer that is on sale yet you only get it subject to availability. Romance is supposed to be like a window of a house, a house without windows is incomplete. Ladies we man are clueless about romance, we see it as a once in a while thing, Maybe on mother’s day or even the anniversary. Relationships need romance every single moment of the day. We ma are subject to change, if a my girlfriend does something different and I can’t do it I am going to get some advice and do it better so that she will lust for me only. Relationships are somehow I tell you, many brothers do not want to be controlled by their women. By controlled I simply mean that ‘if my lady makes sure that the spark of romance in our relationship is up I should make sure that it’s bigger to brighten up the whole house.
In my conclusion, I have a young friend who wants to divorce simply because the husband is not doing anything right, well ladies let me advice you, if you think divorce is the answer than I say it’s a wrong answer because the only answer is to do it better than he does. If he is not trying then get time for everything but him and I tell you he will be jealous.
Remember not to stop living no matter what the odds are, live your life to the fullest and remember to: 1. Take a swim on a Cold, 2. Change the Moves, and lastly 3. Make time for Romance.


Sophisticated World of Women
Whether we like it or not, a woman is seen as a car that is about to crash. An old car moving at a speed of 120kmp/h  not even moving faster than a scooter. A woman anywhere in the world is not respected by her qualifications but by the colour of her dress and how proper is her hair and skin. Women are seen as sex toys not qualified CEO’s or Lawyers, which is one of the reasons why they get abused, because men see them as week.
Collins, Dunlap and Chrysler contend “Many women share historical roots that have to do with making their way to ships, pressing their way onto ships, escaping ships, surviving ships, and/or re-creating their lives after disembarking ships. Many women risked their lives for the hope that they might escape oppression, abuse, and genocide, and journey by ship (or boat, train, bus, foot, and/or their own psyches) to better spaces that might hold improved opportunities for them and their children. Others, rather than seeking the ship for themselves, were forced, beaten, and chained onto ships. A great number of these women elected to jump overboard with their children and drown rather than suffer the dehumanization that ships of various types of enslavement held for them.”
Women are the pillars of this world. They are the reason why we keep moving forward. There is nothing that can come above the strength of a woman. Aristotle philosophy might suggests “just as with the rule of the master over the slave, the difference here is one of reason: ‘The slave is wholly lacking the deliberative element; the female has it but it lacks authority”, yet in our generations we come across many things that are done by the hands of a women, women like Sophie Mazibuko. She was a social worker and worked for the South African Council of Churches (SACC).
The world is more sophisticated today because of women encouraging our youngsters to desire success. When we study statistics of women in the Corporate world we find that there are about only 28% of SA senior management positions are filled by women, we are talking about the people that are give birth, take good care of their families and after that they go to the office in good shapes. To other countries it might be disappointing to brag and boast about those statistics, yet that is not the point. Women might be looked down at and people might not trust them with their companies but they are full of wonderful surprises simply because they are able to balance their Family lives with work which is pure wisdom and sophistication.
What is love that I desire it?
I see it, i feel it, i need it, i desire it, yet that is not enough. Love is all that i desire in this world. Life is useless without love. We always speak about peace but how can we find peace if we cannot find love. love has always been considered subject to definition. People define love according to what they know and how they feel, but love is simply a step to all the peace, patience, endurance, care, and etc that we need in the world. I have been single for 3 weeks and since then i started desiring love, not love as in relationships but love as in God uniting a woman and i in marriage and having fun as we go through trials, the kind of love that will help me grow in my career and love the person i am with not because of the sex but because we are content.
Truly speaking it is hard being single while my friends are getting married and they are busy loving on their wives and future wives. I sometimes feel like waiting for that special someone but my problem is the fact that i am busy looking around and as you know being a pastor and a writer i get too much attention, therefore i get tempted. 
Love has become a need in my love, it has become a huge need to an extend that whatever i think about is that love. The kind of love that will make me one with the person i am with, the love that will make my career and her career connect like magnet, the kind of love that will make us want to have babies and love them even though I don't want babies now, the kind of love that will make us enjoy life even if we do not have everything that we need yet, the kind of love that will help us respect and submit to one another, i need that love. I desire that kind of love because with it i will be content. 

What is love oh Lord that i desire it so much? What i love that i long for. Love is kind, love endures forever, love is patient, love inhabits in peace, love is overwhelmed with joy, love is unity, love is submission, love is respect, love is eternal but most of all love is God. In my desire of love I found God.


Matter of the Heart
I always ask myself, how one can mend a broken heart. There are many reasons that one can do that can literally break (into pieces) someone’s heart. We always get the whole idea wrong though, we always assume that only women go through heart break, yet men also go through heart break. Yet, who does what or who goes through what is not the issue at hand, the issue at hand is centered on the thought that suggests how can one heal or mend the heart that was broken by a previous lover or how can one heal the heart of the person he wants to go back to.
I have a friend called James. He was dating a beautiful lady, "I think and i feel that she is the one and i know God gave her to me and i to her", so he would say. He loved the lady so dearly that he would give his life for her. After a few years of loving and respect, she went to school and met another guy. At that time James was in the USA. He started hearing rumors from people that his girlfriend is dating another guy and some who worked with the guy who dated James's girlfriend were saying he was boasting about how he has sex with her. She then went to James (by texting left him). James went through hospital door to door because it affected his life, psychologically and health wise. His life witnessed a dramatic change which he had no control over. Now its back to being single, back to dealing with his health because he had heart problems, seeing a psychologist, facing the world alone and overwhelmed with stress. His heart needed to be mended.
He them met another lady. He went through a dramatic change but that does not mean that he was healed, he went through hospitals but that does not mean that he is well. He had to get healing of the heart so that he may move on. When he met this new lady they had to go and start a new life without including the good things that they had in the past, yet they had to share what they went through what their plans are for the future. It was over time that his heart was mended.
We all go through that mess in our lives, a mess that has to do with the matters of the heart. Matters of the heart might make you give up on love, sometimes they can because you to even kill yourself not out of choice but simply because you cannot handle them. Matters of the heart have their good times and their bad times but what’s worse is the thought of losing the good times and stepping in the bad times which leads to hopelessness. You went through it, the person next to you went through it because its part and puzzle of growing up and being mature.
My encouragement is simply Find love in you. I was at a wedding on Saturday. At that wedding i started noticing that not only is love a choice but love is a miracle. Love is a miracle because not everyone finds that miracle. Remember when Jesus Christ spoke about the a woman who lost a coin and had to look for, she searched for it until she found it, love is like that. When one finds love they become content no matter the situation but as soon as you lose that love you lose that miracle that gave you joy, contentment, peace and liberty. You need to find love in yourself before you trust someone else with your heart.
Matters of the heart are life changing and we need to pay close attention our hearts and give it to the right person so that it won’t break. Today people are looking for love and some are waiting for love only to find that if they first love themselves and love their neighbors that love which they desire will find them even when they are not looking, love is a miracle and only the right kind of love can mend a broken heart and a right kind of love can bring peace to matters of the heart, you need that love the miraculous kind of love.
Find love in yourself, love your looks, love your curves, love your eyes, love who you are outside and embrace who you are inside and the love you deserve will find you.
(NB THE OF THE PERSON {JAMES} IS NOT THE REAL NAME OF THE PERSON)




Painful Longing for Luscious Love
"Pain is the range of unpleasant sensation produced by illness or harmful physical contact, hurt suffering, discomfort, distress, soreness, ache, aching, pang, spasm, cramp...
Longing is a feeling of intense desire...
Luscious is richly sweet in taste or smell, over rich"
-Sara Tulloch
I had a conversation with a friend of mine just yesterday. I told him, "I don't know if I am being stupid, emotional, immature or what, but I am looking for love that is pure, a love that God approves of, a love that will make everything happen, a love that will make my career and my girlfriends or wife's career to match or connect like it's meant to be, a love that will not make me feel like I am working too hard to make sure that everything goes well", he said "stop looking".
Love in this generation is hard to find, I have noticed that when the bible says love your wife and she will submit does not work in our generation simply because love is not found. Today we marry because our friends are getting married, we marry because of sex, we get into relationships because were insecure of ourselves or with ourselves and we want people to make us look and feel good, sometimes we get into relationships because we are rejected by our friends or families or maybe both so we want a sense of belonging.
Have you ever had a sense of 'painful longing for a luscious love', have you ever sat down and said to yourself that I need love, I need love, I need love. Today I am not going to give you ways on how to get love or how to wait for love but I want to encourage you to remain true to yourself and true to God. Searching and waiting is not necessary today. I have realized that most of the times people that get hurt are the people that are looking for love or waiting for love. When you look for love many men and women come and go, they have sex with you and they destroy you then after they leave you. When you wait for love different people approach you because of your good looks and you end up thinking it's the right person and you end up settling for second best, only to find they are with you because of title and position.
We all have a painful longing, we crave for, desire and need love now and we feel like if we got it then we will get married and have a wonderful life without worry. We feel like if it were to happen to us that we get what we desire (love) that all heaven will be for us. Yet it's painful because we never get it, we never get the chance to get the right person or experience' This luscious love is an awesome kind of love that makes people melt in each other's arms but where can we find it today? The sweet love, the over rich love, the love that will make a relationship last for all eternity between two people. It's nowhere to be found, most possibly does not exist -others believe.
I had an enlightenment, why don't you stop looking and stop waiting on that luscious love and start being you, loving you and be truthful to God and yourself. I believe that a person falls in love with the person inside, not the looks and how they dress and how tall and sexy they are but simply who they are inside. 
The other night I had to accept that I am in love with this other beautiful good looking young lady, she loves God and fears him, yet last night we did not talk and I felt so out of place because of that, and a previous night before that we spoke for 8 hours straight. I had to accept the reality that I am dating her or we are not together, though she may know how I feel, we are not together until we both decide that we will get in this relationship and see how far we will go and if we marry Bless God.
I myself am longing for this luscious love but at the moment it is just a 'painful longing for a luscious love'.
I want to encourage you to find yourself in God, in yourself, in your community, in your family and one day, just one day love which is pure and rich in God, goodness, mercy and grace will follow you and it will abound in and to you. Do not chase after or wait for love but be yourself. 
Stay true and forget about the 'painful longing for a luscious love’. As painful as that sounds,
The need for love in the world and in your life
I have an enlightenment filled with wisdom that love shows a correct way for a person to choose. In that path lies wisdom, In that path lies knowledge, and In that path lies maturity. I have learned that without love then what we do for people is pointless. Love rules over all things. Today I write to encourage African people to love one another, stop the hating; killing and fighting instead they should love.
Love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy into friend.
-Martin Luther King, Jr.
Love motivates people to help and care for one another. We got used to fighting and hating each other as African people that we overlook the fact that in this world if we do not stand with each other then we fail to succeed.  Africans are strong Africans are wise and Africans survive all trials. We are seen people who kill each other and hate each other, but my encouragement to you as people is love your African brothers and sisters.
Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.
He also wrote...
Human progress is neither automatic nor inevitable... Every step toward the goal of justice requires sacrifice, suffering, and struggle; the tireless exertions and passionate concern of dedicated individuals.
-Martin Luther King, Jr.
For our African people to rise and become a success we need to stand in love. When we fail to love each other we fail to educate this young African Generation about the importance of African Relationship because as Africans (black people) around the world we faced the same pain and still going through the same situation internationally.
In all that we do, whether in the corporate world, community, church and more we will always face situations that may oppose us but disappointment but as much as we accept the fact that we will be disappointed we should deny the fact of giving up. Pain is temporary while victory is eternal.
We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope.
-Martin Luther King, Jr.
Love for each other can make us succeed and help each other to make it In life. It is Imperative for us as the African people to make it in life, not to say I am pushing white people outside but my main aim is to challenge this Black Mentality that keeps on telling us that we will never make it.
I want to encourage you with a quote from the great Martin Luther King Jr:-
I refuse to accept the view that mankind is so tragically bound to the starless midnight of racism and war that the bright daybreak of peace and brotherhood can never become a reality... I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word.
-Martin Luther King, Jr.
In everything you do or go through the answer will always be love, unconditional love. Might be marriage, dating/joling, finance, whatever remember the answer will always be love, you must will to love so that you may see change around you.


Making a selfish decision in a relationship
When it comes to relationships making selfish decisions is not a bad an idea most especially when  it comes to major decisions. Sometimes we are given an opportunity to explore our hope dreams and visions for our lives and look at our relationships and come up with a conclusion either we still want to date this person or not.
Our problem as people lie on exalting our partners dreams, visions, need and wants far beyond ours, we put them first that we even forget what we want in life. We are a generation of bliss but bliss comes with a responsibility and hard work, we need to be faithful to ourselves, we need to be selfish and think for us that them. We shouldn't have sex and go out or stay home because that's what our partners want but we should have the freedom to do what we want for ourselves.
I had a conversation with the person I am dating because I  believed that I had to speak in order to heal, because I was becoming depressed and unsettled,  I also started feeling like our relationship is a job and I hate working extra hours.  I had to speak my heart and put aside how I feel about her and tell her about what I am expecting as a man not only in this relationship but in life.
There are five things that I have mentioned below that I want to talk about and some of those things I myself said them to my girlfriend and it became an eye opener for both her and I. It is not bad to talk about your priorities as man and woman.
1.            What are your priorities? 
2.            What is it that you want from this?
3.            Where am I now? 
4.            Where are  you going in life?
5.            Are you willing to climb along or are you moving on?
WHAT ARE YOUR PRIORITIES?
It is imperative to know and understand what is important now in your partners life, what is he doing that is keeping him busy and is he going to focus and spend time in that thing or is he just going through another phase. You understanding what is important to him will show you where he puts you and how serious he takes you.
WHAT IS IT THAT YOU WANT FROM THIS?
People have a problem with making selfish decisions in a relationship but I believe that making that selfish decision will allow you to value your needs and wants, it will also teach you not to settle with what you think is or will be ok for your life. If you want marriage from this relationship and he doesn't want to marry then leave him. Not to say you hate him but clearly both your priorities differ, you have nothing in common,
DO NOT WORK ON WHAT IS DEFINITELY NOT GOING TO WORK! 
Tell him or her what you want and if you differ in vision make a selfish decision and move on.
WHERE AM I NOW? & WHERE ARE YOU GOING IN LIFE?
Knowing where you are in life will give you an idea on knowing what you want out of life and out of your relationship. Do not mess around with your needs and wants because you may settle for less and after ten years of marriage you want divorce because you chose to settle.  We need to be selfish and put ourselves first and when the right time for marriage comes then you will be happy. Knowing where you are will also show you where you are heading and will help you to not give your partner what he/she needs instead you'll focus on what you need. It is important to build yourself in life and in this relationship or else everything you do will be pointless.
ARE YOU WILLING TO CLIMB ALONG OR ARE YOU MOVING ON?
Sometimes when our partners have told us what they want out of our relationship, maybe they might have said just sex, marriage, just a relationship or anything. If your heart is not there then do not conform to his needs because out there the is someone who wants what you want and you guys will marry because you are a match, do not conform but do what you need to do for your life to be simpler and better. I have learned that relationships fail because of lack of communication and honesty. Like I said before being open will challenge your relationship and you will know each other. I do not write these to spite but to encourage and you'll make a decision.  Let us grow in wisdom, Knowledge and maturity so that we may know where to go from here or what to do from here. Be selfish and think for yourselves and you will be better and get a better man for you. May you live a stress less life no matter what.






Reference

Tulloch, Sara., 1993, Reader’s digest Oxford         complete wordfinder, Readers digest    Association Limited , Pleasantville, , New              York, USA
Damans, Bongi, & Damans, Colin,. 2013, Oneness, MYM Publishing, Wapadrand
Harvey, Steve,. 2009, Act like a Lady and think like a man, HarperCollins e-books, USA
Stamps, Donald, C., 2007, Fire bible: Student edition, Life publishers international, Missouri, Zondervan



•W.L Seitshiro
Pastor, Author, Columnist, Realist and ideologist.
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Follow his blog: hlogiswords121.blogspot.com